Aftermath of Surrender

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written. Partly because I’ve been going through a season of growth, and partly because I’ve been too busy to sit down and write. I’m here today, processing and trying to put it all into words.

Last time I wrote I was struggling with surrendering my finances to the Lord again. After a season where I was able to buy more and more things for my son and myself on my own, I had been needing to go backward into more outside support again. The truth is that that is hard on me. It used to be a pride thing, but now it’s the fact that I’m past middle age and like to be able to make my own decisions and feel like I’m able to support my little family, at least somewhat.

While praying about it (and complaining about it to the Lord), I felt Him tell me that He never asked me to support myself. He is my husband and father, and it is His job to support me. Me working so many hours was not good for me personally. He asked for obedience to reduce my daily load as He directed and then to trust Him to provide however He saw fit. I surrendered and waited.

Two or three days later I learned that I would need to purchase a laptop for myself. I have been gaining more responsibility at our homeschool co-op as our director prepares to move out of state, and part of that responsibility would require me to have a mobile computer that will run Word. Before I could get caught up in despair over the large expense, I hear the words “okay, the Lord will work it out for me to get one” come out of my mouth before I could even think. Later that day, He showed me how one could be purchased, and within a week I had my laptop!

I love it when He does things like that. I feel like I’m being taken care of, and I like that feeling. That’s how I feel when I pay my son to clean the car. Sitting down in a clean car that I didn’t have to clean myself makes me feel special in some way—like I am worth being taken care of. So, I continue to pay my son to clean the car, and I marvel every time the Lord takes care of me. That is a feeling I’ve rarely had in my life since adolescence, so it is still new and joy-filled for me.

Before I moved back to California ten years ago, I had to rehome my kitties. They had been bought just before the one-year anniversary of my dad’s death, so they helped me through that day. I bought them when I was still single, so I poured into them as if they were my fur-children. When I was dating who would become my husband, I told him that the cats and I were a package deal. If he didn’t want them, I wouldn’t move. When my son was born, of course, things changed a bit, but I was still very attached to them. Rehoming them was hard. I probably should have euthanized them since they were so old, but I was recovering from mono, going through a divorce, and preparing to move myself and my son across the country. I could not handle that kind of emotional load added to the mix. So, I rehomed them instead. It was done out of obedience and submission, but not willingly. It continues to be one of my biggest regrets.

When I got home from dropping them off, I wept. I cried out to the Lord and begged him to give me “new life” when I was ready. I didn’t want to think of another kitten for a long time, but I did want a puppy, and I knew my son would want one someday too. He showed me a picture of my favorite breed, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and promised me that He would give us one when the time was right.

My son and I have been wanting one ever since then. However, my mom continued to say no. She had a cat of her own that was old, and she didn't want to add any more animals to the household while she was here.

Just before Valentine’s Day we had to put mom’s (and our) cat down. She was a couple of months shy of her 20th birthday and had rapidly become deaf, blind, and disoriented. It was time. That was so hard. It was my third time being present for a euthanasia of a pet, but it wasn’t any easier. Losing her brought back all of the painful memories of rehoming my girls. I began to ask the Lord if it was time for the promised “new life.” Mom had become more open to a Cavalier in recent months and had said that was the only breed of dog she would allow. So, I thought the path was paved. It would have to be a God-thing, though, because they can cost between $3000 and $5000.

A couple of weeks after our other cat passed, I was looking at online rescue websites for dogs. Then I decided to look for cats in the breeds I like. My favorite breed has always been the Himalayan. Recently, though, I have been interested in American Shorthair (mom’s favorite breed) and Ragdolls. While looking at rescue sites, I searched for the breeders who I bought my girls from. One of them was still out there (that was back in 1999), so I looked at her page. She had one cat available. An almost two-year-old female who had ragdoll markings! Her price was SUPER low too. I was so excited.

Earlier that day, I had gotten a payment notification email telling me my co-op pay would come the following day. To my great surprise, it was higher than I expected. I tried to figure out where that amount came from. Did they give me a raise, or were they paying me for the entire semester all at once? I showed mom the picture of the kitty and asked her if I could get her if my pay was a monthly amount. She smiled weakly and said yes. So, I emailed the co-op director, and she said that that pay is paid out monthly. I quickly contacted the breeder, and the rest, as they say, is history.

On March 9, I picked up my new Himalayan with ragdoll coloring and brought her home. She is the cutest, sweetest, most delightful little kitty. All three of us are smitten. We renamed her Chloe, and I already cannot imagine not having her. She makes my heart leap with joy and giggle at her cuteness every time I even look at her. Oh. My. Goodness. She is such a miracle for me! She has brought such healing and awakened my heart in areas I didn’t realize were asleep. She is such a blessing!

Miracles do still happen! This single homeschooling mom has a new purebred cat that she never expected. The perfect one for her.

In addition, the Lord has confirmed that the puppy is still coming. My analytical brain says summer would be best, but we’ll see what happens. Chloe needs plenty of time to acclimate and get her boldness solidified before we add any new members of the family. I have now seen, though, how quicky and miraculously things can change when the Lord says it’s time. I now KNOW that the little puppy will come whether I can afford the purchase price or not.

God is so good!